You know those decisions that you have to make over and over? Those decisions that you think you have settled and then the wind blows and fear sets in and you change your mind? Those decisions that you have somehow managed to convince yourself could alter the path of the planets? Those decisions that cause you to get out the pen and paper and make the pros/cons list? Those decisions that a negative word from a friend can send you in a totally different direction? Yes, maybe you know the ones.
I have been wrestling with some decisions like that. At least , in my mind I have given them that weight. If I believed that God got tired of us asking the same things over and over (which I don’t by the way), then he would surely be done with listening to me!
Here’s the dilemma. I am a teacher and I love teaching. Since second grade, I have known that this was my calling. I also love science. The subject fascinates and energizes me. I love being a mama. To say that I am energized by it wouldn’t be true. I am exhausted by my family all while being amazed by the way that I love them…and in awe that they believe that my kisses and “love pats” have magical powers. Tucking those little sweet feet into bed and covering up sweet babies during the night brings me nothing but pure joy. Allowing them to sleep in until they wake up singing “Twinkle twinkle little star” to one another makes me wake with a smile. Having the time to listen to my son playing the guitar and singing along is so enjoyable. Being able to stay up and visit if my oldest stops by is so nice. On the contrary, the 5:30 alarm wakes me with a panic. The anxiety that comes over me on Sunday nights as I prepare for another work week causes my entire being to become panicked. The exhaustion that I feel at 3:30 after dealing with 90 unique personalities, all while trying to teach them science, just can’t be sugarcoated over as anything except TIRED! Now I know there is nothing wrong with being tired and I am certainly not lazy. I don’t know how to explain it but if you deal with other people’s children, then I don’t have to.
Being a stay at home mama isn’t very profitable, at least if you are talking finances. So here I go with myself round and round. Do I enjoy these little years to the fullest or do I keep up this rat race? I wish I had the answers friends. Again, at times I believe I do. I am praying for clarity, for peace, and for whatever decision that is made to be the right one. My goal is to raise Godly children. I don’t want to give my family what is left of me. They deserve the best of me and with either decision, I pray that I can fulfill my role of wife and mother in a way that brings glory to God for all that he has blessed me with.
To be continued…….