936 weeks

I read today that this is the number of weeks between a child’s birth and their graduation.  936. 936.  Let that sink into me.  It’s worth repeating to myself until I grasp it’s smallness.

With Holton already having passed this milestone a few years ago,  I can say that it seems like even that number doesn’t sound accurate.  It seems as if it is only a blink.  With Haigan approaching this age, it is worth acknowledging that I still have a few of those weeks left.

How is it that we can put most things on hold?  We can hit snooze to get a few more minutes of sleep.  We can pause and replay to get another chance, another glimpse, another second.  We can dvr to watch something later.  But we can’t slow down time for anyone….not even for our children.  Or, as I believe, mostly for us as parents.  Children are always ready for the next thing.  When they crawl, they want to walk.  When they walk, they long to run.  When they are in middle school, high school is the goal.  High school isn’t over before they are preparing for college.  Oh, if they only knew.

Parenting and thinking of my children stirs my deepest emotions.  I miss them when I’m not with them. I pray over them.  I seriously have a hard time grasping God’s love for us because I trust that it is more than I can love my children.  How can that be?  There is a moma heart so full of love for each of them.

Time does go so quickly.  When Holton was young, he slept in a toddler bed beside me.  He liked for me to hold his hand while he fell asleep.  Where did the time go?  It’s hard to get those fingers to type an answer to a text in today’s phase.  That little boy is all grown up but he will always be my baby.  Where do the years go? With Haigan, I can remember reaching back for a little hand as I crossed the parking lot only to find empty space and a young man walking along beside me where a little boy had just been.  A little boy who would not let me sing “Twinkle, twinkle little star” out loud because it would make him miss me too much now leads worship.  I can remember when dinosaurs and boats got put away under the sink in totes and bubble baths turned into midnight showers.  I wish I had paid more attention to when it was exactly that I stopped finding velcro nerf bullets in my sweaters.  When was it exactly that the last army man parachuted from the second floor?  Exactly when was it that I stepped on matchbox cars at 1 am?  When was it that the Tonka truck rusted outside?  I will not know.

What I do know is that each phase, each season, has wonderful things to offer. I won’t lie and say that I don’t miss the closeness that I had with the boys.  I do.  I’m so proud.  I suppose that the evidence of a job done well is that your children learn to do for themselves.  Sigh.  Time……you’re moving on.

Help me learn to slow down and enjoy this vapor.


When life gives you anxiety…

So, I was going with the “when life gives you lemons” idea here…..but throwing in the word “anxiety” certainly doesn’t sound as exciting or optimistic.  So how do I end that phrase?  It doesn’t end with a cool, refreshing glass of lemonade to be exact.

You see…..I do struggle with anxiety.  I can usually pull it all together after a micro-meltdown but I have to keep it in check.

This past Sunday, I had a panic attack on the way to church.  My house was not straightened and truly, that is the number one trigger of my anxiety.  At least, it begins that way.  The girls and I had been home for two weeks so we had not had to rush to go anywhere.  Somehow the hectic pace of getting everyone ready and out the door, coupled with a messy house, set me into a panic.

By the time we were in the van, I was wiping tears.  By the time we reached the parking lot of the church, I was trying to remember to take deep breaths.  The girls never know when I get upset but I’m sure they think I have asthma! 🙂

So, back to my title.  When life gives you anxiety, what should you do?  Well, I just decided to stay in the van for a few minutes by myself.  And I googled “prayer over anxiety.”  I sat and read this scripture until I was calmer.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6, 7

I wish it wasn’t so. I wish I was calm and collected in the middle of chaos.  But it is so, and I’m not.  So I will keep trusting, praying, and breathing. 🙂